Why is Helium so trustworthy?

Because HE's noble.

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What do you with a dying chemist?

Well, if you can't helium and you can't curium, all you can do is barium!

Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium 'the medical elements'?

Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'BARIUM'!