How about a guillotine?

Wife: Me: I'll be on the couch.

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Couch Jokes More Couch Jokes

How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

How do you keep your Thanksgiving guests from falling asleep on your couch?

Infuse the gravy with cocaine.

Guillotine Jokes More Guillotine Jokes

How about a guillotine?

Wife: Me: I'll be on the couch.

How do you get your partner to give you head?

Put them in a guillotine.