Why did the storm trooper decide to buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the right droid he was looking for.

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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

Are you sure it's mine "

How can you tell a woman is having a bad day?

She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarette

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Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back?

The mall is hiring new Santas.

Why did the watermelon and the honeydew decide to cancel their spontaneous wedding in Las Vegas?

They realized with a family like theirs, they really Cantaloupe.

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Where does monty python buy his water?

From the knights Da-sa(y)-NI! This joke is best delivered verbally.

Why do people buy fruit already cut up?

There's only like 7 things in life easier than cutting up fruit and one of them is farting.