What did the neckbeard wizard use to find his way around Hogwarts?

M'rauders Map

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How did the steak knife find himself after drunk driving?

In car, serrated

How do you find Calvin Broadus Jr's darkest secrets?

You Snoop, Dogg.

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Where's the best place to go on the first date?

All the way

What song did the man who lived next door to a brothel sing on his way to work?

Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go!

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How is the Battle for Hogwarts like a Black Friday sale?

Weasley twins are 50% off

How do they perform abortions at Hogwarts?

Fetus Deletus