What did the pamphlet say to the booklet when it asked for help?

Bro sure!

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What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?

It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds no wait - 13 seconds no wait - 14 seconds no wait......

What light through yonder window breaks?

ME:Well if you'd just sod off like I asked, I wouldn't have to throw lamps at you.

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How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

What TV personality lives in your phone?

SIM Card-ashian! (it might help if you say it out loud)