Where do you find an old Onion article?

In thier archives.

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How did the steak knife find himself after drunk driving?

In car, serrated

What did the Chinese man say when he found out his mother died?

I can't bereave it!

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What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up an accordion

Where do onions fight?

In the onion ring!