What does a weed addict day when something miraculous happens?

Dank god

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What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

What happened in China on Christmas?

The Rice-child was born.

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Why did the police arrest the sidewalk sidewalk?

It always had some sort of weed on it!

Why did the man hire a Mexican gardener?

Because he was good at pulling weed