What's pretty and expensive but has no use?

Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar shelf.

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Why don't Geordies use scales?

Because they can weigh things by eye man.

What do accountants use for birth-control?

A. Their personalities.

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What did Matthew McConaughey have to say about the 2016 Oscar-winner's line-up?

All white, all white, all white!

What's the difference between Leonardo Dicaprio and Sesame Street?

Sesame Street has an Oscar.

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What do Leonardo DiCaprio &amp anyone who buys a Powerball ticket have in common?

Their odds of winning are the same

What movie did Leonardo DiCaprio's dog recently star in?

The Woof of Wall Street.