Why did the crematorium operator get a $500 bonus?

Because he'd urn-ed it.

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Why did the calculator pay $100 for a pack of cigarettes?

There was a sin tax error. 8.5

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

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What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.

Why did the crematorium operator get a $500 bonus?

Because he'd urn-ed it.