What did the physicist say to the depressed hippy?

There's no such thing as negative energy"

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What's the last thing you hear before a pubic hair falls to the ground?

spits*

What's the difference between certain and uncertain?

Well, one things for sure

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What fundamental force compels physicists to go to work on Mondays?

The week force.

Why did the physicist move across the street from the haunted graveyard?

To observe spooky action at a distance! Thank you, I'll be here all week.