Thing Jokes

Reflect! I use this dadjoke on my pregnant wife every day when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest.. 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things, especially car headlights!'

What is one thing you never say to a Muslim?

Share ya laws.

What's the first thing you know?

Old Jed's a millionaire.

What is the first thing they teach you at Gardening school?

WATERRR THOOOOOSSSSSEEEEE!!!!

Why do Nuns always wear the same thing?

It's a habit.

Why do white people think they can say the N word?

Because it is the only thing left that still belongs to black people.

Why do babies love sticking things in their mouth?

And why doesn't my girlfriend share this impulse?

What's in Heaven and Hell?

In Heaven, the cops are British, the engineers are German, the lovers are French, the cooks are Italian and the whole thing is managed by the Swiss In Hell, the cops are German, the engineers are French, the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are British and the whole thing is managed by the Italians

What's the only thing worse than finding a roach in your food?

Finding half of a roach in your food.

What's the first thing a woman does after leaving spousal abuse therapy?

The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!

How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work?

Well, it worked with the slaves.

What's the last thing a Tickle-Me Elmo gets before leaving the factory?

Two test-tickles!

What's the first thing a redneck buys when going to a family reunion?

Condoms.

This joke may have profanity.

What was the last thing that went through the hostages head?

A bullet.

What is that thing, which the maker cannot use, and the user cannot see?

Coffin

Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding sarcasm?

They take things literally

What was the last thing that went through Lady Diana's head, moments before the crash?

Car battery

What's the last thing you want to hear when you're blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson."

What is the only thing easier to break than a Razer headset?

Your sister's hymen.

What was the last thing that went through the Sandy Hook child's mind?

A bullet. I apologize if that joke was aimed for a younger audience. I love Sandy Hook jokes, they never get old. Just like those children.

What's the first thing you do when attacked by a gang of clowns?

Go straight for the juggler.

What did capital 'O' say to capital 'Q'?

Hey, put that thing back in your trousers!"

What do you call a dead chicken that likes to throw things?

A geist. Thanks! I will show myself out.

What's the difference between certain and uncertain?

Well, one things for sure

What's the last thing the ISIS fighters' wife said before she blew herself up?

Bahhh

What was the first thing Abraham Lincoln told his friends when they asked him how he got an STD?

Four whore and seven beers ago....

This joke may have profanity.

What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday?

A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.

Why are photos in Latvia always such good quality?

There's no such thing as potato quality there.

What's the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before it leaves the factory?

Give it two test-tickles!

What is the worst part about going to Auschwitz?

Your dreams are not the only thing going up in smokes.

What is the one thing wrong with a Piles joke?

It doesn't sit well.

Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?

Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!

What did the elephant say to the naked guy?

That thing sure is cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

when you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.

What was the last thing that went through JFK Jr's mind when his plane crashed?

The console. What was JFK Jr's wife drinking when the plane crashed? Ocean Spray.

What's the only thing worse than a poop joke?

A corny poop joke. You can really visualize it.

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

What's funny about majorities?

Most things.

What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?

Yes, I'm completely sure.

Why did Helen Keller try lsd?

Because she was told it makes you see things!

What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies?

ya'll watch this!

What's the one thing make a wish foundation can't give you?

The cure

What did Kris Kross tell the nervous paratrooper?

Tell her you're a paratrooper. Chicks dig that kind of thing."

How do Eskimos make things stick together?

Igloo

What do reddit fans and Apple fans have in common?

They both like seeing the same thing a year later.

Why don't Geordies use scales?

Because they can weigh things by eye man.

Why do men stare at a woman's breasts?

To prove they can focus on two things at once.

How do blind people know where to find Braille signs on walls and doors?

They just have a feel for that kind of thing.

What did the physicist say to the depressed hippy?

There's no such thing as negative energy"

What did Tennessee?

the same thing Arkansas

What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?

Grab a cup of joe.

What's the thing in common between your girlfriend starting the pill and the muisic group Europe?

It's the final condom... Ta da da da...

What is the last thing you want to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson' Credit: old joke via: Norm Macdonald

What do you call the things on the end of Winnie the Pooh's feet?

Putos (Ask your Mexican friend)

Why is Thors bother so secretive?

Because he tries to keep things Loki...

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Fast Thing Jokes More Fast Thing Jokes

What's the second fastest thing in the world?

What's fastest thing in the world?

What is the fastest thing in the world?

Milk. Because it's pasteurised before you see it.

Manage Jokes More Manage Jokes

What do you call the guy who manages my apartment building?

The thoooperintendent.

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

Hell Jokes More Hell Jokes

Why'd the lawyer go to Heaven?

Hell was full.

What's a Michigander?

A: An Ohioan who can read. Q: What's an Ohioan? A: A Kentuckian who can count. Q: What's a Kentuckian? A: A West Virginian with a branching family tree. Q: And who the hell are you to be making all these rude judgments? A: Trauma counselor for tour guides.

Second Jokes More Second Jokes