Thing Jokes

What was the last thing Robin Williams said to his wife?

You go on to bed, I'm just going to hang here a while.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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What was the last thing that the homeless man heard before becoming a giant?

Go big or go home

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

Walks home.

What's the one thing a woman wants most in this world?

Nothing, she's fine

What did Adam say to Eve the first time he got an erection?

Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is gonna get!"

Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

Why don't you prescribe Viagra as an antidepressant?

it only makes things harder.

This joke may have profanity.

When things go wrong, what can you always count on?

Your fingers.

What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?

A: "Today children we will learn our ABC's"

Where did you get that thing?

Parrot says, "Africa."

What do you call someone who keeps trying the same thing again and again, yet expects different results?

A weapons designer for the First Order.

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How many things do you need to change a lightbulb?

3, a person, a ladder, and another lightbulb

Why do scientists look for things twice?

A: Because they research everything.

What are you called if you are paid to be a thing?

A pro-noun!

What's the only thing worse than a worm in your apple?

Reposts

What do you call a Mustard that keeps remembering things that haven't happened yet?

dijon-vu mustard... (Sorry)

Why do mermaids put their things on top of clams?

Because clams are shelf-ish.

What kind of snake is good at building things?

A boa constructor.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?

Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs "

What's the last thing someone wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson."

Where's the genie?

Takes off lampshade* What's wrong with this thing

What's the first thing Aaron Hernandez learned in prison?

He's not a tight end anymore )

What's the first thing the pope did after resigning?

Asked Jerry Sandusky for his lil black book.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They're married.

Why is that?

Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.

What's one thing today that women are better at than men compared to the 1800's?

Gold digging

Why do they call me an oven?

Because when I get turned on things get really hot

What did pancake Chip say to his friend pancake Berry when Berry was sad?

Don't feel blue, Berry, things will get batter"

What did one fish ask the other?

So how do you drive this thing

Why does Yoda like having a lot of things to do?

It makes his Dagobah faster.

Why aren't you doing very well in history?

Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!

What is mitosis?

Those are the things on the ends of my feetsis. Thought of this during my last bio exam.

What is one thing you always get on your birthday?

Older

How do you pay for things in the Czech Republic?

Cash or Czech Edit: a word

What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?

A: A competent liberal President.

What was one thing Nicholas the 2nd of Russia not good at?

Czarcasm.

What are you doing with that thing?

The pirate responds: "Arr, its been drivin' me nuts."

How do inmates pay for things in prison?

With ConCurrency, of course.

Why did NBC add the Michael J. Fox Show to its line-up?

To shake things up on network tv.

How do they tie things down on the space station?

They use astro knots.

What's the only thing in the world that's bigger than a Samoan man?

His wife.

How do you drive this thing?

Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "GLUGGLUGBLUGBWOOABB"

Why does Islam get angry if you criticize their religion?

Im not sure they always seem to blow things up out of proportion.

What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire?

A: Lawn chair.

Why was the monster standing on his head?

He was turning things over in his mind.

How do you know when a woman is about to say some thing intelligent?

She starts her sentance with "A man once told me"

What do you call a seamstress who makes things up?

A *fabric*ator. It was a slow day at work...

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

How strict is the "I licked it, it's mine" policy?

There's some things I've licked that I don't want.

How do I make a St. Patrick's Day mocha?

He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together

Why is it so difficult for people with breast cancer to remember things?

They have bad mammaries.

What is one thing that both Australians &amp Americans share the same view on?

1961

What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute?

Oh yeah...39

What did the one fish in the tank say to the other?

Do you know how to drive this thing "

How does a man see things from woman's point of view?

By looking out the kitchen window.

Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they'll know where to find me.

Why did the firefly keep stealing things ?

What goes "snap crackle and pop" A firefly with a short circuit !

What's the first thing an Owl asks when you trow a rock at it?

HOOO did that!

What do you call a pirate that sells things?

A sailor.

What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?

A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

Why did the spreadsheets get divorced?

They just couldn't sort things out.

What do Socrates and John Snow both got in common?

Neither knows a thing. (from another forum)

What's the only thing more annoying than a pushy vegan?

When redditors won't shut up about how annoying one is.

What's one thing you hated as a kid but love as an adult?

Molestation.

What's the only thing that grows in Ferguson?

The crime rate.

Why isn't the word gangster pronounced Jang-ster?

Because there ain't no such thing as a soft 'G.'

What's the last thing you want to hear when blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson"

What is the only thing standing between me and being rich?

I haven't hit Reddit gold yet.

What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S?

WD-4D

What is the first thing a blind man says?

My eyes! My eyes!

What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles

What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip?

Recalculating route.

What do they use to pay for things in the Vatican?

Paypal

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet?

That thing hurts!

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Wrap Jokes More Wrap Jokes

What paper product speaks really quickly?

Wrapping paper.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?

They mostly wrap.

Change Jokes More Change Jokes

How many PMSing women does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. Why? It just does! OKAY!

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

Hurt Jokes More Hurt Jokes

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins?

Those little guys don't hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

What hurts really bad?

Frequency!

Hell Jokes More Hell Jokes

How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know, I just set the bulb down somewhere, now I can't find it. Where the hell did the bulb go?

What the hell is an Ovechkin?

The guy says "It's a White Russian with no ice and no cup!"

Head Jokes More Head Jokes

What do you call a man with a kilt over his head ?

Scott !

Why don't smart girls ever get pregnant?

Because they use their head.

German Jokes More German Jokes

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. We are efficient and don't like humour.

What's the difference between the Chinese and Germans?

The Chinese rike and the Germans Reich.

Real Thing Jokes More Real Thing Jokes

What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real thing ?

The picture of Jesus only takes one nail to hang up .

Why is a reflection always twice as good as the real thing?

i actually don't know where to post this idea, true jokes maybe?... There has to be a food for thought sub. This is your OP, I promise to deliver!

Engineer Jokes More Engineer Jokes

Why should you never let a non-metal drive a train?

Because they're poor conductors! (I know they're called Engineers but cut me some slack, I thought of this in the 9th grade.)

What do you do for a living?

The engineer replies " I make chips" "Oh yummy!"