What do you call playing chess against yourself?

Chessturbation.

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Where's the best place to pick up a girl who plays hard-to-get?

Around the ankles and wrists :D

How does Dracula keep fit?

He plays batminton.

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Why is America bad at the game Chess?

Because they don't know how to defend their towers.

What did one slice of bread say to the other at the end of a game of chess?

It's stale, mate."