What do you get when you ask a proctologist for a second opinion?

Two fingers.

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What are these?

Me: The synonym rolls you asked for. Wife: CINNAMON.

What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?

A: Play ball.

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What's the proper way to pronounce Mormon?

The second m is silent.

What's worse?

Receiving a text from your girlfriend saying that you're breaking up or receiving a second text after saying that it was supposed to be for someone else

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What do you call a judge that doesn't have any fingers?

Justice Thumbs

What's the difference between hematologists and urologists?

A hematologist pricks fingers.

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What did the proctologist ask the restaurant goer?

Can I push your stool in?

Why can't Ben Carson help fix America's problems?

He's a neurosurgeon, not a proctologist.