What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

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Why are pilots so honest?

Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. "We're delayed because we're winning a safety award."

How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just keep complimenting it and get mad when it doesn't want to screw.

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How the hell should I know?

Let me talk to a few criminals and see who they think is scariest."

Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.