Why can't Helen Keller use an iPhone?

Because she's dead.

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What weighs more than a car and uses a lot of fuel, but hardly ever moves?

Your mom.

What's the most efficient fuel to use when chasing cars?

Snow Petrol!

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What does /r/jokes and the iPhone vs FBI case have?

Both just got hacked

Why are you letting people touch your new born?

I don't let people touch my new iPhone

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Why couldn't Helen Keller vote?

She was a woman! And it wasn't until 1920 when the 19th Amendment was ratified. At this point she was 40 years old and could vote.

How do you surprise Helen Keller?

Leave the plunger in the toilet