Why was no at the Premature Ejaculaters' support group when I arrived?

I came early.

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Who came after Augustus?

Septembrus

What does Bill Cosby and a ninja have in common?

You don't see either one coming.

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Why do blondes always die before help arrives?

A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

What did the hipster astronaut say when his space mission arrived at the Sun?

Not cool.