How does Gandalf know he's pregnant?

A wizard is never late.

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How can you tell if someone is a marathon runner?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

How do you know when Santa Claus is nearby ?

You can feel his presents ...

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Why is Gandalf so good in bed?

Because a wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.

Why does Gandalf never dress as a pimp for halloween?

Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.

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Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party?

He was going as a banana.

When I fix someone's computer and they say "Wow how'd you do that?

I tell them I'm a wizard then throw glitter in their face.