How much credibility is there in that whole "you can punch yourself handsome" theory?

Asking for a friend.

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What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in three years?

I don't have 2020 vision.

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Where're you going?

Me: To dinner with my friends! Mom: Your friends Me: I'm going to use McDonalds' free Wifi to get on twitter...

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he's married.

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Whats your biggest weakness?

I'm bad at taking compliments" "Actually that's quite endearing" *Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

What kind of punch hurts the most?

A Sandy Hook.