What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?

I haven't seen you for a year!

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What does a 9 volt battery, and a pretty girls bumhole have in common?

People tell you not to, but you're still going to put your tongue on it.

How do you please all the people?

Tell them Ellen Pao has stepped down as of today!

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How long have we had that pillow?

Wife: No idea Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

What did the blind paraplegic child get for Christmas?

Cancer. Happy new years folks!

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What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve?

Social Security.

What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?

I haven't seen you for a year!