Which kid is mine?

I like to reply "I haven't decided yet."

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Why do Puerto ricans have so many kids?

Because pulling out is work!!!

What's the most trifling thing about divorce when you have kids?

Child custardy

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Why didn't JFK ever like vodka?

Because he couldn't handle a few shots

Why did the T-Rex's girlfriend leave him?

Because he said he only loved her this much (hold out t-rex like arms) Sorry this one requires a bit of a visual, but I thought you guys might like it

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What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he and his friends decided to dress up as famous composers for Halloween?

I'll be Bach

Why are you studying your Easter candy?

I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!"

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What are these clothes on the floor?

A dead Jedi" I replied

When someone says "It is what it is," I reply, "Isn't it?

so we can both sound useless.