Reply Jokes

What do you mean he's your half son?

What do you mean what do I mean?" replied the man. He went on to explain "My son has half my genes, that makes him my half-son." The woman he was talking to decided he was crazy and without replying walked past him. She looked back and noticed his neck was red, after all it was a sunny day.

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What makes fish smell?

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."

Why did the hunter scold his blonde wife after she shot a moose over quota?

Cause when he asked her why she shot it, she replied: "I asked it what it was before I shot. But that cow wasn't gonna fool me!"

What did the ninja say to the waiter when asked what to drink?

The ninja replies with "Wata!"

How can you tell if she is virgin or not?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel. Paddy asked, And what do I do with these, doc? The doctor replied, Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever saw., you hit her with the shovel.

Why do old people read the bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

How many successive 'ands' can you fit into a sentence with it still making sense?

The landlord at The Dog And Duck pub needed a new sign to hang above the door, so he contacted his signwriter. The signwriter arrived a week later with the new sign, hung it above the door, and asked the landlord what he thought. The landlord replied with, "I like it. However, I do feel that there should be bigger spaces between ' ' and ' ', and ' ' and ' '".

What's your favourite priest and a rabbi joke?

Been awhile since I've her some priest and a rabbi jokes. Hit me with your best one! Mine: a priest and a rabbi are waking down the street The priest asks " wanna screw some kids?" The rabbi replies "out if what?"

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

How do you reply when someone on /r/askscience asks you on a date?

deleted

What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?

Nothing wrapped in Emptiness. How did the birthday child respond? You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift. To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."

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What would be your reply?

Someone stops you in the middle of the road and asks you to tell him a good joke, What would be your reply?

How's life?

she asked. "Oh same as usual" he replied "boring."

What's a holocaust?

And I reply "Oh, about eleven million"

What's this for?

He asked. "A pay rise." I replied. "My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?

A: The other replies "That was no piccolo that was my fife."

What's he like?

asked the police officer sympathetically. The boy replied, "Beer and women."

What about over there?

she said. "I can't," I replied, "It says between 1 and 9 only." "Well, why is that stopping you " "I'm 23."

When a hot blonde walks in. The one lawyer says, "Man, wouldn't you like to screw that?

and the other lawyer replies, "Outta what "

How do I get to 280?

A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"

What do you want?

The beam replies: "Oh, just give me a moment."

What did you find most attractive concerning Monica Lewinsky?

He replied, 'She had the prettiest smile I ever came across."

What's your pleasure?

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?

Same as now - in photos and mirrors," I replied

What is your secret weapon against terrorists?

We simply reply......Chuck Norris

Why must you question everything I say!?

Everything " I replied

Why is that, doc?

He replied, "I'm trying to examine you."

How much for a beer?

The bartender replies: "For you No charge."

When she read the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?

I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."

How do those even fit in your pants?

He replied "They fit like a glove."

Where did you get that?

The pig replies, "I won her in a raffle."

Where I should put my pants?

He replied "Over there next to mine."

What blod type are you?

I replied "Typo".

Which side is it best to lie on?

she asked. "The side that pays your fee" replied the doctor.

What's with those clogs you keep wearing?

I replied, "Wooden shoe like to know."

How many have you derailed this year?

I replied, "I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track"

What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?

The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

Which I replied, "Wanna know whats also the size of Australia?

Australia.

How do you feel?

Asks the fluoride ion. "Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.

What did the man reply to his friend that found a good paying job taking care of mentally challenged people?

Answer: Oh, so it has its ups and downs.

What are we supposed to do about it?

Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."

What are these clothes on the floor?

A dead Jedi" I replied

Why, doc?

And the doctor replies, "Because I'm examining you!"

What would your parents say if I called them?

I replied, "Hello "

Which kid is mine?

I like to reply "I haven't decided yet."

What did they Deer say when she came out of the woods?

Answer: "I will never do that again for 2 bucks " My reply: Ha Ha! :)

When did this start?

and the gentleman replies, "When did what start "

What should i do now?

to which the boss replies "We're out of shovels. Go lean on something else !"

When people say 'oh, you're still single?

I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married ' I'm popular.

When I walked to the register with the condoms the clerk asked "Would you like a bag?

I replied "No, she's not that ugly"

When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?

She replied 'oh, two or three' Now I know why her marriage didn't last long

What are you taking for it?

Man replies "Pollen"

How do you like your job testing push-up bras?

The other woman replies, "It has its perks."

Where is the fire at?

The man replies: it's back there, I'm just going to get the water! (This is a true story, my uncle really said this)

What do you do for a living?

The engineer replies " I make chips" "Oh yummy!"

When I was 3 years old I looked at my nutsack and asked my Mom "Are these my brains?

Not yet," she replied

How much for a drink?

The bartender replies, "For you No charge."

How did Sherlock reply to Watson's inquiry, "Sherlock, where did you get all of these lemons?

A lemon tree, my dear Watson."

What are my choices?

he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

What do you think you're doing?

the observant teacher asks. To which he replies... "writing an ese"

How high are you! ?

demanded the officer. "No Officer, it's "Hi, how are you "." replied the kid.

Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?

I replied.

Why the long pause?

asks the bartender. The bear replies "Well, I am a bear"

What are you doing there, rabbit?

Rabbit replies "This is a westinghouse, isn't it "

How many trains have you derailed to date?

I replied "It's hard to keep track."

What about a nice cream pie?

She asked. "Except that." I replied.

How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?

About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.

How do I do that?

he asked. "Carefully" replied the vet.

How'd ya get that?

asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town " he asked. "So did I!" she said.

When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?

She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

How about an autograph mate?

Sure." He replied. So I signed a photo print of myself and gave it to him.

How will I ever find the right woman?

She replied "Forget finding the right woman, focus on being the right man."

Whats with the wheel on your john?

the pirate replied, "Arrg it's driving me nuts!"

Why are you rushin'?

Too which I replied "Because my grandpa is from Moscow." Duh..

What's so funny?

asks the dermatologist. "Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

What are we going to do?

The other replied "Quick turn the car into a side street."

When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?

The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

When asked "why?

he replied, "Tropical Depression."

Why so?

The light bulb replies, "I'm a light headed!"

Where did you get so many lemons?

Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."

Where's the soap?

Yes, it does." she replies.

What width?

She replied: "with scissors of course."

When someone says "It is what it is," I reply, "Isn't it?

so we can both sound useless.

What the hell is a steering wheel doing there?

the pirate replies: "Arr, it's been driving me nuts"

How good are you at PowerPoint?

I said, "I Excel at it." He replied, "Was that a Microsoft Office pun " I was like, "Word."

What's the best way to ward off ghosts?

To which I replied: "a camera."

What' chu want fam?

The Vietnamese person replies, "How do you know my name "

What you got there?

Not sure", replies the fellow, "But you have got to try-a-lil'-bite!"

What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?

The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

This joke may have profanity.

What's up, punk?

Nothing," he replied, "I've just never seen a man using hair rollers before."

Whatever's the matter ?

asked her mother. 'I don't know' replied Mary 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.'

What are we waiting for?

the doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."

How's she getting on?

I replied, "I'm not sure, I think they use a crane."

How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?

he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

What did the CPU say to the RAM?

Sorry to cache you out but I want the data closer. The RAM replied: you're right, "life" is too short.

What do you get when you spend all afternoon replying to your anonymous feedback on Corpell Anonymous Box?

Corpell tunnel syndrome

How long will the pizza be?

The waiter replies "About 12 inches."

How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee?

He replied... ...It's hard

How much terroristen died zat dey?

Twelve The other replied : "Nein, Eleven."

Why is everything lying on the floor?

my mom asked Gravity, I replied.

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