Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?

I replied.

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Why arent the americans playing chess?

they are missing two towers.

How can you tell if your stormtroopers just played paintball in their freetime again?

You can't.

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What happened when the Ape won the door prize?

He didn't take it - he already had a door!

Why won't Bernie Sanders win the rational election?

Because he's two radical.

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How long will the pizza be?

The waiter replies "About 12 inches."

Why do you have a pear on your head?

He replies, "It's not a peach, it's a plum!"

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Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars?

Because it's his only chance to open the door to Number 10!

What do you call a man holding two apples in one hand and three oranges in another?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.