Why are you watching Thatcher's funeral?

Mum: "Just to make sure"

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Why shouldn't you ask Jon Snow what time it is?

Because his watch has ended.

What happened when the two lovers were watching a scary movie in a year when Valentine's day happened to fall on Friday the 13th?

Oh wait, nevermind. I'm an idiot...*

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What's the difference between starlings and swallows?

Your mum doesn't starlings.

Why are you crying Ted ?

asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt.' 'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.' 'But they are the only feet I have.'