Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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What did he tell people in order to make them avoid taking it?

Eschew! Eschew!

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

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What is the most essential part of any joke?

The way that the punchline of the joke is delivered.

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?

Never mind...it's tearable

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How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.