Kleptomaniac Jokes

Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things, literally.

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What do you call someone who takes things literally?

A kleptomaniac!

What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?

Someone who takes everything literally

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get jokes?

Because they take everything literally.

What do you call someone who takes everything literally?

A kleptomaniac!

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac?

because they take everything literally (p.s. you can steal this joke if you want)

Why can't you tell pun jokes to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why did the kleptomaniac spend so much time in Bed Bath and Beyond?

He was taking a sheet.

Why is it so hard to explain metaphors to a kleptomaniac?

Because they always take things... Literally

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What did a kleptomaniac say on 90% sale?

It was an absolute steal!"

Why did the kleptomaniac dislike the insultingly boisterous man with a cleft palate?

He couldn't take any more lip!

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Why was the kleptomaniac frustrated by that joke "why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

He couldn't take a joke.

Why can't puns be explained to kleptomaniacs?

Because they always take things literally

Why can't you tell a pun to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?

Because they always take things literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs have a sense of humor?

Because they take everything, literally....

Why don't kleptomaniacs ever get puns?

The take everything, literally.

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?

They always take things literally.

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Armless Man Jokes More Armless Man Jokes

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

Why didn't the armless man get the joke?

He just couldn't grasp it.

Steal Jokes More Steal Jokes

Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

What do you call someone that steals shoes?

A sneaker.

Metaphor Jokes More Metaphor Jokes

When is a 2 literally a 6?

When it has metaphor.

Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors?

Because they take everything, literally.

Help Jokes More Help Jokes

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Please help. There are ten so far and they have invited their gross friends to our home. They are using the broken lightbulb to smoke crack off of.

What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish?

Pick up lines

Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

What's the difference between the jokes from today and next week's jokes?

The posters.

Where do Russian Spy's live?

In a Snow Den. (This is a joke. Please refrain from yelling at me, that he is not a spy. Thank you and have a nice day.)

P.S. Jokes More P.S. Jokes

How do you get banned from a subreddit without breaking the rules?

Post something humorous in . P.S: Is there anyway to ungild myself?

What did the English teacher write when she needed to borrow money?

An AE I.O.U. P.S. Im proud of this one :3

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

Who wants to hear some Symphonies?

crowd goes wild B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES *crowd goes nuts B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

Why did ygritte break up with Jon Snow?

She didn't want six inches of snow all year long.

' 90 Jokes More ' 90 Jokes

How do '90s kids count to 6?

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

What has 90 balls and screws old women?

Bingo!