What's wrongdad?

Dad: I told you, my head hurts. Son: This is why mom left.

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Leave Jokes More Leave Jokes

What is long, hard and leaves a warm, white, sticky substance in your mouth?

Toothbrush.

How many racecar drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's impossible, they only know how to turn to the left.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine?

You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you

How can you tell ignorance from indifference?

I don't know and I don't care.

Mom Jokes More Mom Jokes

How do you estimate your kids lifespan?

Hand them a mechanical pencil with the lead out and see how the use it. Child A: look mom I'm a doctor! - expect them to live to 80+ years. Child B: look mom I'm a heroin user! - expect them to live to about 27.

What did you get your mom for Mother's Day tomorrow?

Besides a tiny, brief panic attack

Son Jokes More Son Jokes

How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure yells up to me son, you live with this guy now!

What is the magic word?

son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case

Head Jokes More Head Jokes

Why couldn't the penguin turn around in the phone booth?

Because he had a javelin through his head.

What Do You Call an Ethiopian with A Piece of Lettuce on His Head?

A Quarter Pounder.

Hurt Jokes More Hurt Jokes

Why did Freud hurt his shoulder?

He made a Freudian slip

Why did Hydrogen hurt Iron?

Because he wanted to see him Sulfur.