What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?

Sleep on the sofa.

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Bed Jokes More Bed Jokes

What's 12 inches long, stiff, full of sperm and can make a girl scream?

The sock under my bed. (I don't remember where I heard it. Can't claim ownership.)

Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?

A: To see how long he slept.

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What did you find most attractive concerning Monica Lewinsky?

He replied, 'She had the prettiest smile I ever came across."

What kind of cereal do you find in a haunted house?

Cinnamon Ghost Crunch

Sleep Jokes More Sleep Jokes

What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on?

Cot-on-wool.

Why keyboards... Why keyboards don't sleep?

Because they have two shifts!

Sofa Jokes More Sofa Jokes

Why is a sofa like a roast chicken ?

Because they're both full of stuffing !

Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?

She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.

500 Pound Jokes More 500 Pound Jokes

What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?

Sleep on the sofa.

What does a 500 pound parakeet say?

TWEET!!!