Bed Jokes

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm so, so, sorry... ..... ..... ..... Just kidding! She's dead.

Why did the spy stay in bed?

To stay under cover

Why do nursing homes give men Viagra before they sleep?

So they won't roll out of bed.

This joke may have profanity.

How do you get 1000 dead babies into the bed of a pickup truck?

A blender! How do you get them out? Nacho chips!

What's his name?

A man walks into a bedroom and sees a hot, naked woman lying face-down on the bed. Q: What's his name? A: Willie Turner Q: What's name? A: Betty Will

Why did the hipster go to bed early?

Because he sleeps before it gets cool.

What do Dallas Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl?

They turn off their XBOX and go to bed!

How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?

tape velcro to the ceiling.

Why do the nurses give the old men in retirement homes Viagra?

To keep them from rolling out of bed

This joke may have profanity.

Why was Stalin a Bad leader?

Because he was staling a country that was rushing..(Russia) This joke was bad. Im going to bed now.

What's the diff between a rich man and a poor man?

Rich man has a canopy over the bed, and a poor man has a can o' pee under the bed

What's the worst thing a girl can wear to bed?

A condom

What does a Japanese chef shout in bed?

Ooo mami! (Umami)

Where is Jennifer's husband?

Jennifer is 21 years older than her son Douglas. 6 years from now, Jennifer will be 5 times as old as Douglas. Question: Where is Jennifer's husband? Solution: J=D+21 J+6=5(D+6) According to my math, Douglas has 3/4 years, which means -9 months. Pregnancy lasts for nine months, so Jennifer's husband is in the bed with her right now. Sauce:

What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl?

What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl? A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed. A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.

Why are liars so lazy?

Because they are always lying in bed!

Why does the ocean roar?

You would too if you had crabs on your bottom and oysters in your bed.

What does a psychologist wear to bed?

A Freudian slip.

How did a mom figure out her daughter had hit puberty?

She kept wetting the bed.

What did the blanket say to the bed?

Don't worry, I've got you covered.

What did the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do?

Lay awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog.

What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?

Aw sheet! One of my favorite, cheesiest jokes of all time. Thought it would be a good first post to Reddit!

How do you get a 300 pound woman into bed?

piece of cake

Why do old men take Viagra?

It stops them from rolling out of bed.

This joke may have profanity.

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

Wait, I can explain everything!

What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl?

Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.

What does a Bears fan do when his team wins the Superbowl?

He turns off his Xbox, and goes to bed.

Why is the letter E lazy?

Because it's always in bed.

What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?

Lie in bed wondering "Is there really a dog?"

Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer?

Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheeeeeettttt!

What's long and hard?

The sock under my bed.

What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with?

A cuddlefish! (corny I know)

What came first?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"