Million Jokes

What do you call someone who promises change but ends up burning millions of undesirables?

Sean Murray and PS4 users

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Why did Adele cross the road?

To say Hello from the other side. I called you a million times.

How do you walk out of a Casino with $1 Million?

Walk in with $2 Million.

What did Star Trek teach millions of kids?

To boldly split infinitives!

How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?

Take away their beds...

What has a million legs but can't walk?

Jerry's Kids.

What's a holocaust?

And I reply "Oh, about eleven million"

What did the American Army General say after the first opposing casualty in the Mexican-American War?

Juan down, a million more to go.

How many zeros in one million?

Six" "Ok, thanks" *writes milli000000n*

What if it all goes wrong and they clone millions of John Lennons?

Imagine all the people..

How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland?

By sending in millions of Muslims

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What's the best campsite in the world?

Auschwitz, received well over three million starts

What has a million and one legs but still can't walk?

Jerry's kids.

How many reps would you usually do?

he asked. "A million," I rep lied.

What's the difference between a sperm and a racist?

A sperm as a 1 in a million chance of actually becoming a human being.

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

Old habits die hard

What will you do with a million watermelons?

I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program

the rest of them will write Perl

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Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

How can you tell if someone's a redditor,in real life?

Ask them if they're on reddit. I'm sorry.

What did one atom say to the other?

I lost an electron..." The other atom asks "Are you sure " First atom replies, "I'm positive!"

Pile Jokes More Pile Jokes

What did the hiker say when he fell in a pile of moss?

I'm not lichen this!'

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?

Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years Pete.

Small Loan Jokes More Small Loan Jokes

How does a racist joke start?

A small loan of a million dollars.

What is a small loan of money?

a small loan of a million dollars"

Bathroom Jokes More Bathroom Jokes

What's the difference between an Art major and a guy who mops bathrooms at KFC?

One has a job.

How does a police officer go to the bathroom?

Ctrl+C

Little Girl Jokes More Little Girl Jokes

Why didn't the little girl finish her lollipop?

She was hit by a bus

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms

Write Jokes More Write Jokes

Why do Communists only write in lowercase?

Because they hate Capitalism.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch?

He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

How do you turn on a lamp?

By seducing it

How do you turn two colors that work into a rainbow that doesn't?

Colorizebot

Musician Jokes More Musician Jokes

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

How does a musician make a million dollars?

They start with 2 million.