Sleep Jokes

Because they aren't mourning people. I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

How does a woman know she's sleeping with a forklift driver?

He beeps twice before coming through the flaps.

What is the car that everyone sleeps in?

The Ford Siesta Many thanks to for that one.

Why do nursing homes give men Viagra before they sleep?

So they won't roll out of bed.

This joke may have profanity.

Why are there no Wal Marts in Iraq, Iran, or Afghanistan?

Because there are already too many targets. (credit: some old veteran bum looking guy sleeping on a bench at the police station I went to today.)

What size bed comfortably fits a married couple?

Twin. Because the husband has to sleep on the couch.

What's the difference between hard and light?

I can sleep with a light on.

Why did the hipster go to bed early?

Because he sleeps before it gets cool.

What service do you get if you sleep in a bakery?

Bread and Bakedfast!

Why was the egg late for work?

It ova slept.

What do you call a sleeping police officer?

An undercover cop.

What is the difference between light and hard?

Well, you can sleep with a light on.

What do you call a patella that sleeps around too much?

Whore knee

This joke may have profanity.

What did Putin say when he was finally fed up with Boris Nemtsov?

I'm putin' that guy to sleep

Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?

Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!

What do you call a girl that sleeps with you for your Adderall?

A total attention whore.

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call an Irishman who slept out on the lawn all night?

Patty-OFurniture

What do you call a seagull that catches you sleeping?

A baegull.

What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both know when you are sleeping.

Why was little Jimmy fishing in the well?

Because Tom had previously drowned in the well and everyone said "Tom is sleeping with the fishes."

What did the Asian guy say when he was caught sleeping with another man's wife?

Me love you wrong time.

What kind of rice puts you to sleep?

Ray Rice

Why do we sleep?

Because we get sleepy.

What's the main difference between light and hard?

I can go to sleep with a light on

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

What happened when the orange slept with the dirty lemon?

He got lemonaids.

What's the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas!

How did the midget feel after sleeping all night in a coffin?

A little stiff.

What does Bob Marley wear to sleep?

pa-jammins

What was James Bond after he slept through an earthquake?

Shaken, not stirred.

Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle?

In case of any night mares!

What did the candle say when it couldn't sleep due to his own candlelight?

There ain't no rest for the wicked

What's a narcoleptics favorite game?

Hide and go sleep.

How do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting?

Talk in your sleep.

Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

Whats the best thing about being addicted to speed?

Only one more sleep until Christmas!

Why do meth heads love Halloween?

Three sleeps 'till Christmas!

Why don't women sleep on the left side of the bed?

Because they always want to be right.

What do you get if 2 black men sleep in a sleeping bag?

A twix bar

What do monkeys sleep on?

Apricots. I used to love this joke when I was a little kid and told it over and over. I'm still a little in love with it for that reason. What are some of your favorite jokes from when you were a little kid?