Remote Jokes

What's the difference between a tv remote and a newborn?

You can't play football with the remote.

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Where is the remote?

All the way over there." "Guess I'm watching this."

Why did the T.V. break up with the remote?

She thought he was too controlling.

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Tv Remote Jokes More Tv Remote Jokes

Where did all the TV remotes go when you can't find them?

To a remote island...

What do Libyan people put in their TV remotes?

Tripoli batteries.

Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

What's black, white and red, and can't turn around in an elevator?

A nun with a spear through her head.

What's long and thick and turns conservative women on?

The Bible

A. Jokes More A. Jokes

How did a blind girl burn her fingers?

A. Reading the waffle iron

What do you get... Q. What do you get if you cross a large dinosaur with a frog?

A. A diplo-croak-us.

Laziness Jokes More Laziness Jokes

What's the difference between procrastination and laziness?

RemindMe! 2 days to edit this post

What is the pinnacle of laziness?

Having a remote control for your remote control.

Up Jokes More Up Jokes

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

A. Put the remote control between his toes.

How did you prepare for today?

red carpet question with "Cocaine and sit ups." #GoldenGlobes

Stephen Hawk Jokes More Stephen Hawk Jokes

What Does Stephen Hawking have in common with Rosie O'Donnell?

Neither of them has anything going on below the waist.

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

How do you get half of Mexico to jump off a cliff?

Throw a penny off. How do you get the other half to jump too? ... Tell them no one found it yet.

How do you tell a racist joke without getting in trouble?

Write it down.

Remote Control Jokes More Remote Control Jokes

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

A. Put the remote control between his toes.

How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman is dead?

A. The remote control slips from his hand.