Pause Jokes

What's the difference between a semicolon and a cat?

One has a pause at the end of it's clause, the other has claws at the end of it's paws.

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What is a hemophiliac's least favorite song?

Don't stop ble-eding (The pause is necessary)

How do you sell a chicken to a deaf man?

pause....) WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN??!! (SHOUTING)

What is the difference between cats and commas?

This might be better suited for but I think its more a joke Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.

When Chipotle says, "Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?

I pause, then say, "Hang on, let me call my financial advisor."

Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?

Disney's Frozen I paused the movie to tweet this...

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Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes?

Hold up your arm and say "Go back you didn't say 'May I'"

What made the orange stop suddenly?

It just ran out of juice.

Suit Jokes More Suit Jokes

What do you call a scouser in a suit?

The defendant.

What's an empty suit of armor doing on the drivers side of a car?

He went out for the knight. OK I'll leave now

Reply Jokes More Reply Jokes

What's he like?

asked the police officer sympathetically. The boy replied, "Beer and women."

When someone says "It is what it is," I reply, "Isn't it?

so we can both sound useless.

End Jokes More End Jokes

What do you find at an end of the rainbow?

Violet

What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?

It's "popcorn"! What were you thinking?!

Financial Advisor Jokes More Financial Advisor Jokes

When Chipotle says, "Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?

I pause, then say, "Hang on, let me call my financial advisor."

What do you call Charlie Sheen's brother if he were a financial advisor?

Emilio Investevez. Fun game/running joke friends in college used to play. Wondering if Reddit would enjoy the game too.

Sell Jokes More Sell Jokes

What do old cars and dead chickens have in common?

You'll usually get more money for them if you sell them for parts

Why were the ducks arrested?

They were selling quack in the park.

Chicken Jokes More Chicken Jokes

Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

Why did the chicken give the cat his mashed potatoes?

To get to the other side.

Baby Jokes More Baby Jokes

Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?

Me: I helped 5: How Me: 5: Me: I read her the instructions

What's the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls?

There's only one you can unload with a pitchfork. Edit: Who said something about dead babies?