How long does it take a baby to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I lose track of time when I have an erection.

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Lose Jokes More Lose Jokes

What do you call a penguin in the desert?

Lost.

What's the quickest way to lose pounds?

The UK National Lottery!

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

How can you tell if someone is a marathon runner?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

What do you call someone who knows all?

Nostril-damus. &ampnbsp Works better if you read the joke out loud.

Erection Jokes More Erection Jokes

What do you get when you throw a baby against a wall?

An erection

What's the difference between an erection and Colin Kaepernick?

An erection can make it past the semis, and still stand up if you sing for it.

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z?

They're not infallible

Where does Ben Carson spend most of his time on Reddit?

r/explainlikeimfive

Die Jokes More Die Jokes

Why are cemeteries surrounded with walls?

Because people are dying to get in there.

How did the homeless handicap child die?

Alone

Microwave Jokes More Microwave Jokes

What's "saying grace?

Me: It's when we thank the one who provided our food. 4-year-old: We thank the microwave

What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves!

Baby Jokes More Baby Jokes

What did the kangaroo say when her baby was missing?

Help! My pocket's been picked!

What's the difference between a cry baby and Dallas Cowboys fans?

Eventually the baby stops crying

Track Jokes More Track Jokes

Which bounty hunter specializes in tracking elves?

Jingle Fett

Why do mice have a hole in their bottoms?

Because otherwise they would be unable to track movement and move the cursor in the computer screen.