Mistress Jokes

What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress?

I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.

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What is the difference between a wife and a mistress?

About 20kg.

What's the definition of a Mistress?

Oh, I don't know. Probably something between a Mister and a mattress.

Why did Einstein stop seeing his mistress?

She fell in love and he didn't anticipate entanglement

What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say Girlfriend: Are you done already?

Mistress: Are you done yet Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...

What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?

A: About fifty pounds.

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Know Jokes More Know Jokes

What's your strong suit?

Oh, you know, the Hulk costume."

How many Vietnam vets does it take the screw in a light bulb?

THAT'S RIGHT!!! YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!

Girlfriend Jokes More Girlfriend Jokes

What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend?

See you next month!

How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?

She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.

Pound Jokes More Pound Jokes

What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?

I don't know but you'd better hope he likes it!

What's the most important meal of the day to help you lose pounds?

Brexit

Definition Jokes More Definition Jokes

What is the definition of "making love"?

Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

What's the definition of innocence?

A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

Mattress Jokes More Mattress Jokes

Why are there so many piggy banks?

Pigs don't like to hide their money in the mattress.

Why did Timmy fall off his bike?

Because Bill threw a mattress at him.

Fall Jokes More Fall Jokes

What do you call a person who keeps falling over?

Tripical

When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?

Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

Paint Jokes More Paint Jokes

How do you hide a elephant in a cherry tree?

Paint it's balls red. Howed Tarzan die Picking cherries.

Who me?

Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting "free candy" on the side of creepy looking vans.

Love Jokes More Love Jokes

What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

Why don't tennis players get married?

Because to them love means nothing.