How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day?

One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.

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Why don't house painters wear wedding rings on the job?

Nobody wants to marry an underemployed alcoholic.

Which do you want to hear first?

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

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What kind of tea do you pay an arm and a leg for?

Amputee

What do you call 5 black guys around 1 white guy?

A family friend paying a visit.

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How can you tell that the hippie kid got laid?

Two clean fingers.

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One they've never herbivore.

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Which language does a drunk Scotsman speak?

x-post /r/puns Scotch.

What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?

The codpiece he made out of his girlfriend's face.

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How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!

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Witch 2: "I get a lot of hexercise."

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What happened to the Irishman who tried to blow up a school bus?

He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

What do you call an Irishman with no arms and no legs who's rolling down a hill?

Rick O'Shay.

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What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day?

St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.

What's the difference between mlk day and st. Patrick's day?

Everyone WANTS to be irish on st Patrick's day.

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What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

Everyone pretends to be Irish on St. Paddy's Day.

What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day?

St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.

Tab Jokes More Tab Jokes

Who picks up the tab?

The German.

How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day?

One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.