Irishman Jokes

How did the Irishman get arthritis?

By craic-ing his knuckles.

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What happened to the Irishman who tried to blow up a school bus?

He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

17, 1 to hold the lightbulb, 1 to hold the ladder and the other 15 to drink whiskey until the roof spins

What do you call an Irishman who's had eight beers?

The designated driver.

How do you confuse an irishman?

Lean 3 shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.

Why do Irishmen grow mustaches?

So they look like their mothers

What do you call an Irishman with Leprosy?

A Leper-Chaun

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

5. 1 to screw in the light bulb, and 4 to remark on how grand the old one was.

What do you tell an Irishman if you catch him urinating?

European.

Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?

To be sure to be sure

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What do you call an Irishman who bounces off of walls?

Rick O'Shea.

What do you call a wrecked Irishman?

A mashed potato.

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup?

Because one more would be too farty

What do you call an Irishman who slept out on the lawn all night?

Patty-OFurniture

Why did the Irishman put 239 beans in the soup pot?

Because any more would be too farty.

What did the Irishman say about the RC car tied to his scrotum?

It drives me nuts.

What do you call an Irishman sitting on his veranda?

Patty O'Furniture.

What do you call and Irishman who works in a French cafe?

Paddy Hor D'oeuvre

What's the difference between an Irishman and a bottle of whiskey?

The whiskey usually doesn't get drunk until it's at least ten years old.

What do you call an Irishman who bounces off things?

Rick O'Shea

What do you call an Irishman with no arms and no legs who's rolling down a hill?

Rick O'Shay.

What's the most useless thing on a woman?

A drunk Irishman.

What do you get when you mix a Native American and an Irishman?

An alcoholic with a drinking problem

How does an Irishman's future look like?

Very blight.

Why do Irishmen hate Kia?

Because gingers don't have Souls.

What do you call an Irishman with no arms and no legs on a pool table?

Rick O'Shay

Whats the difference between an Irish Party and an Irish Funeral?

One less drunken Irishman

What do you call a sober Irishman?

A liar.

Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his soup?

Because one more would have been too farty.

What does an Irishman have for dinner?

A: Starvation. Q: And what does he have for dessert A: Ethnic cleansing.

Why did the Irishman only want 239 beans in his soup?

Because one more would be too farty.

What did the drunken Irishman say to the Chinese diplomat?

http://www.reddit.com/r/Youwritethepunchline/comments/2zg1zy/whatdidthedrunkenirishmansaytothechinese/

What does a cynical Irishman drink?

Whiskey sour

What do you call a stoned Irishman?

A baked potato.

What do you call an Irishman with a dangerous bacterial infection?

A leperchaun! :D

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He is drunk, and he tells the bulb to screw itself.

Why didn't the Irishman add another bean?

He stopped at 239 because if he added another one it would be 'too farty'. It would've been funnier if I could do an Irish accent.

What do you call an Irishman sitting in your Backyard?

Paddy O'Furniture

What do you call an Irishman who can't hold his liquor?

OC A quadriplegic.

How do you burn an Irishman ear?

Ring him while he's ironing...

Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo?

One to get in and one to get out.

What do you call an Irishman who sits on the porch all year round?

Patty O'Furnature

Why can't Irishmen be lawyers?

They can never get past the bar.

What do you call an Irishman sitting on your front porch?

Paddy O'Furniture

How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day?

One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.

What do you get if you cross a Mexican with an Irishman?

A redhead who can tan.

How does a German call an Irishman?

Komm, Sean!

Why do Irishmen drink all the time?

You would too if you were a ginger

Which one is the Irishman?

A: The one on the motorbike.

What's white in the morning, white in the afternoon and white in the evening?

An Irishman trying to get a tan.

What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?

A: Third grade.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican cholo and an ill tempered Irishman?

a surprisingly stable person according to my Homie O'Statis.

What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common?

They're both tree fellers.

What do you call an Irishman who studies dinosaurs?

a paleontologist.

How do you know it was an Irishman?

because I had to help him....."

What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture

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They're wearing a SOMBERERO

What do you tell a diabetic girl in bed?

Hi sugar

Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

How can you tell if your wife left you?

You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!

Why is it hard for Arab men to have a guy's night out?

They have to find babysitters for their wives.

Honey Jokes More Honey Jokes

What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

ANSWER: Milk and honey.

Where do American bees store their honey?

In a USBee hive. Thank my ten year old for that one.

Beer Jokes More Beer Jokes

Why did the man with an electric car think he had a dual exhaust?

He drank a lot of beer. He ate a lot of beans. *You love it.*

What'll it be, mister?

The skeleton says, "A beer and a mop, please!"

Craic Jokes More Craic Jokes

How did the Irishman get arthritis?

By craic-ing his knuckles.

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.

Bean Soup Jokes More Bean Soup Jokes

Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup?

Because one more would be too farty

Why are there only two hundred and thirty nine beans in a bowl of bean soup?

Because just one more and it would be two-farty

Message Jokes More Message Jokes

What's the hard part about breaking up with a Japanese person?

You have to drop the bomb twice so they get the message

What's the worst part about dumping a Japanese girl?

You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

Condom Jokes More Condom Jokes

What do condoms prevent?

Minivans.

What's the rule for Twitter crushes?

So far I'm in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.