Consume Jokes

How many fish did it take to consume my wife?

None. There are no fish under my new gazebo

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What's the longest time in which you haven't consumed alcohol?

My record is 21 years.

What did the man who ate a clock say?

That was time consuming but I still want seconds.

Why do whales have really good immune systems?

They consume a lot of vitamin SEA!

Why didn't galactus consume the milky way?

He was galactose-intolerant. I'm sorry.

Why don't more people cook Armenian food?

Because it can be very thyme-consuming.

What happened when King Kong swallowed Big Ben?

He found time-consuming.

What does a bartender give you when you need the feeling of a strong drink, but you're not allowed ton consume alcohol?

Xanax since he's a Bartender

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Clock Jokes More Clock Jokes

Why shouldn't you have coffee while on the clock?

Because that would be "grounds" for termination!

Why dont applebees employees wear watches?

Cuz theres a clock on the microwave

Ben Jokes More Ben Jokes

What's white and crawls up your leg?

Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice

Who's there ! Ben ! Ben who ?

Ben knocking on this door all morning !

Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

How do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting?

Talk in your sleep.

Who plays those kind of jokes anymore?

You're scaring my wife. She's only 12, jeez.

Record Jokes More Record Jokes

Who is the only man to record more knock outs than Mike Tyson?

Bill Cosby

What's all this?

Bracken: Well you told me to bring all my records with me and I did. Here's some by Willie Nelson Tammy Wynette and Garth Brooks . . .

Armenian Jokes More Armenian Jokes

What's the difference between a turkey sandwich and a ham sandwich?

A turkey sandwich doesn't recognize the Armenian genocide

What do you call the device that keeps an Armenian man safe?

A Serj Protector.

Big Ben Jokes More Big Ben Jokes

What happened when King Kong swallowed Big Ben?

He found time-consuming.

What do Big Ben and the House of Commons have in common?

Both have a huge bellend swinging his weight around inside

Man Jokes More Man Jokes

What's the difference between a terrorist and a civilian?

I don't know man, I just fly the drones.

What's the difference between a golfball and a woman's 'G' spot?

A man will actually spend 20 minutes looking for a golfball... Alternative punchline: Man can actually hit a golfball...

Xanax Jokes More Xanax Jokes

Why does the American Border Patrol guard take Xanax?

To stop Hispanic attacks.

What does a bartender give you when you need the feeling of a strong drink, but you're not allowed ton consume alcohol?

Xanax since he's a Bartender