Vend Jokes

What's the best machine at the gym?

The vending machine.

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What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

I want my quarter back!

What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

Both say Please insert Bill.

Why did the soda can quit its job at the vending machine?

It was soda pressing.

Why did you cancel your gym membership?

Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn't agree with

Why are most rappers afraid of vending machines?

Because eminem's in there (Sorry, it works better when it's spoken)

What does a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky have in common?

They both say "Insert Bill Here"

What's black and steals your change?

Vending machines.

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Monica Lewinsky Jokes More Monica Lewinsky Jokes

What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US Leader

What was Monica Lewinsky's job at the White House?

Receiving heads of state.

Gym Jokes More Gym Jokes

How do you spot a vegan at the gym?

Pretty much the same as anyone else.

How to pick up chicks at the gym Pasted from Facebook: A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?

Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

Agree Jokes More Agree Jokes

What would happen if the Illuminati and Half-Life 3 agreed with each other?

Illuminati and Half-Life 3 conformed.

What did Daredevil say after begrudgingly agreeing with The Punisher's brutally honest opinion that he's just a half-measure?

You're such a Frank Castle."

Steal Jokes More Steal Jokes

What do you call a stolen Tesla Car?

Edison.

What do you call someone stealing musical instruments?

A Luter.

Football Coach Jokes More Football Coach Jokes

Why did the football coach return to the bank?

To get his quarterback.

Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback!!

Work Jokes More Work Jokes

What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress?

Me

What works better than anti-depressants?

A 12 Gauge in the mouth This came to me whilst being all depressed.

Change Jokes More Change Jokes

How many Hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

it's this really obscure number. You've probably never even heard of it. No big deal.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

Cancel Jokes More Cancel Jokes

Why did the watermelon and the honeydew decide to cancel their spontaneous wedding in Las Vegas?

They realized with a family like theirs, they really Cantaloupe.

What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!