News Jokes

What's worse than your doctor telling you that you have gonorrhea?

Getting the news from your dentist

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Whats the difference between news of the US elections and Madeleine McCann?

News of the elections is getting old.

Who reads the news AND makes coffee?

Katie Keurig. (I know the setup might need some work but I just like the punchline I made up.)

What do Tim Cook and the iPhone 6 Plus have in common?

They both made the news for not being straight.

How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err...

Where does a redditor get most of his news from?

The Hydraulic Press

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

Why does the news keep telling people the pilot was depressed?

Does any of this really matter...

Did you hear the news?

FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

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Cat Jokes More Cat Jokes

What's a cats favorite firearm?

A meowser

How many cats does it take for a woman to qualify as a "crazy cat lady?

None. Just a couple of youtube cat videos.

Cancer Jokes More Cancer Jokes

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?

Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny

Why did the girl cry on the swing?

She has cancer

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

How can you tell if your wife left you?

You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!

How can you tell a vampire has a cold?

They start coffin.

Dentist Jokes More Dentist Jokes

What did the artist say to the dentist?

Matisse hurt!

Whats the best time to go to the dentist?

4:30pm It let's you out of work a bit early with a valid excuse

Michael Jokes More Michael Jokes

What happened when Justin Bieber went to Michael Jackson's house?

Nothing, Michael liked boys.

What do you call a fox that can't stop shaking?

Michael

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What do you tell a girl who won't stop asking for a tampon?

Put a sock in it.

Where have you been?

he asked. "To my mother-in-law's burial." "Then why the scratches on your face " "She kept resisting, that old fart."

Track Jokes More Track Jokes

Why did the train sound effect album get derailed?

The tracks were unfinished.

Why do mice have a hole in their bottoms?

Because otherwise they would be unable to track movement and move the cursor in the computer screen.

Paul Jokes More Paul Jokes

What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming?

Paul stop monkeying around!

Which do you want to hear first?

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.