Yesterday Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

They weren't born yesterday.

This joke may have profanity.

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

Who ever said time cannot be bought?

I bought some thyme yesterday.

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

Why did I rob the bank?

For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday?

Swine flu

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

What's the best way to see yesterday's front page ?

9GAG

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.

Which day is the most agreeable?

Yesterday

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday?

Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday.

Who is your best friend?

Robert" "Since when is Robert your best friend " "Yesterday."

Why can't you trick an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday

What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday?

Diego

What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about " Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

How can you be so sure?

I was 10 years old yesterday.

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Cook Jokes More Cook Jokes

How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ?

Take them out their wheelchair.

What did the man say when the lobster gave him food poisoning?

I'm not letting you cook dinner again

Nut Jokes More Nut Jokes

What do robots do on a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

What do you call a donkey throwing nuts?

An astronaut.

Fly Jokes More Fly Jokes

How long does it take a monkey to fly a plane from LA to New York?

About 6 hours.

What do you call an asian who flies planes?

A pilot.

Homo Jokes More Homo Jokes

What did the gallon of pasteurized milk say to the other?

No homo."

How do you keep a homo in suspense?

I'll tell you in the morning.

Bank Jokes More Bank Jokes

Why wasn't the fella able to get out when he fell in the river?

Cause it was on a Sunday and the banks were closed

What happened when a heart robs a bank?

It gets put under cardiac arrest.

Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

What do you say to a soldier who doesn't turn up for Camouflage training?

Well done.

What do you call a symphony where everyone plays at the same time instead of taking turns?

An chestra.

Ps Jokes More Ps Jokes

What should I give your sister for unzipping?

Him : Um, ten bucks? Me : Like for WinZip. PS: Taken from bash.org

What do you call a none in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile I'm not sorry (PS, if this is a repost, I'm sorry that I didn't see the first time it got posted 2 years ago. Please don't accuse me of reposting)

Stir Jokes More Stir Jokes

Why does James Bond like Michael J Fox?

Because he always gets his martini shaken, not stirred.

How does Michael J Fox take his martinis?

Shaken. Not stirred