Yesterday Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

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Couple's Daily Question Mug
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

They weren't born yesterday.

This joke may have profanity.

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

Who ever said time cannot be bought?

I bought some thyme yesterday.

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

Why did I rob the bank?

For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday?

Swine flu

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

What's the best way to see yesterday's front page ?

9GAG

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.

Which day is the most agreeable?

Yesterday

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday?

Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday.

Who is your best friend?

Robert" "Since when is Robert your best friend " "Yesterday."

Why can't you trick an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday

What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday?

Diego

What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about " Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

How can you be so sure?

I was 10 years old yesterday.

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Time Jokes More Time Jokes

What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z?

They're not infallible

Why won't the Alzheimer's patient pay attention to you?

Because he doesn't know the time of day.

Stock Market Jokes More Stock Market Jokes

What's the difference between the stock market and women?

With the stock market you can only lose when you pull out.

Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?

at the stock market

Second Jokes More Second Jokes

What's white and sticky?

What's white and sticky and hangs from the clouds . The second coming of the Lord

When did your parents divorce?

ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Abort Baby Jokes More Abort Baby Jokes

Why can't you fool the aborted baby?

It wasn't born yesterday.

Why can't you trick an aborted baby?

Because it was not born yesterday.

Pop Jokes More Pop Jokes

What music does a balloon really hate?

Pop

How has society let things go so far down hill that it still takes two minutes to make popcorn?

China probably can pop corn in one minute.

Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work 8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here

How do you get rid of pubic lice?

Seriously, it is not a joke. I really want to know.

Ps Jokes More Ps Jokes

What's the difference between snow tires and slaves?

Slaves sing when chains are put on them. PS - im going to church today to beg for forgiveness

What should I give your sister for unzipping?

Him : Um, ten bucks? Me : Like for WinZip. PS: Taken from bash.org

Spot Jokes More Spot Jokes

How do you spot Will Smith on a snowy Christmas morning?

Look for Fresh Prince

Why couldn't the leopard play Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?

A: Because he was always spotted.