Replace Jokes

What is atheism?

A non-prophet religion Edit: Replace the word "religion" with "set of beliefs" if you're picky about that sort of thing

Couple's Daily Question Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

Why was the mechanic sad he had to replace a wheel bearing?

It was da-press-in.

What happened to the guy who replaced his laxatives with Prozac?

He didn't give a sh...

What did the bird say when he flew over K-Mart?

Caw Caw why'd my natural habitat get replaced with 165 000 square feet of consumerist wasteland lol

How many Mexicans does it take to replace a serviceable part of a complex machine?

Just Juan and Emmanuel.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.

How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?

Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.

What's really important to a bat when they are looking for a new home?

Echo-location, location, location (Replace "bat" with "zubat" if you wish.)

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.

How do you always keep your shoes tied?

Replace the laces with earphones.

What did the tv get for Christmas?

Replaced

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

How many white people does it take to replace a light bulb?

One to hold the bulb, and the rest to screw the whole world.

How do you keep a ghoul from biting his nails?

A: Replace the nails with screws.

How many Asian-American actors does it take to change a light bulb?

None - because they would all be replaced by white actors.

How many Mexicans does it take to replace a light bulb?

Juan

What did the Imam say after he was replaced by immigrants?

They took my hijab!

How many mexicans does it take to replace a lightbulb?

Juan.

Why doesn't Jesus like M&amp?

Ms? They keep falling through. If that's not offensive enough, replace it with black Jesus and skittles.

How about an office party?

ME: crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies" I guess

What replaces Steam, the gaming platform, in China?

Pollution.

Why won't people know when you replace words with instruments?

Idk, accordion to research I guess.

What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?

The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful ; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!

What do you call 1,000 liberals at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start! **an old joke that my dad used to tell at every party. You could replace "liberals" with pretty much anything.

What's the problem with your marriage?

WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.

How many Asian-American actors does it take to change a light bulb?

None - because they would all be replaced by white actors.

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Word Jokes More Word Jokes

What's the magic word?

Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off

How do you get out of a Russian prison?

You have Vladmir Putin a word for you.

World Jokes More World Jokes

What cake wanted to rule the world?

Attila the Bun.

What's the best hotel in the world?

Auschwitz. 1.3 million stars.

Hospital Jokes More Hospital Jokes

What kind of fish can you find in a hospital?

A sturgeon.

What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?

With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.

Ultra Sound Guy Jokes More Ultra Sound Guy Jokes

Who is the coolest guy in the Hospital?

A. The Ultra Sound guy. Q. Who is the second coolest? A. The Hip replacement dude.

Who's the friendliest person at the hospital?

The ultra sound guy.

Religion Jokes More Religion Jokes

What religion do mosquitoes follow?

Muslim, because they go to a mosque...ito. Sorry.

Which religion breeds terrorism the most?

Not Islam

Guy Jokes More Guy Jokes

How many guys does it take to open a beer?

None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging from a window?

Curt and Rod

A. Jokes More A. Jokes

What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?

A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Why do blondes smile when it's lightning?

A. Because, they think they are having their picture taken.

Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The one that can carry 2 cups of coffee and a dozen donuts

Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The one who can bring his friends two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.