Press Jokes

What happened when Santa cut his beard?

The police came and took statements but ultimately Mrs. Claus declined to press charges. OC

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Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda-pressing

Why can't the hydraulic press guy bring himself to crush a can of sprite?

Because it's soda pressing

Why didn't the weightlifter like doing chest exercises with Coke cans?

Because it was soda pressing.

What happened to when the coke bottle was ran over by the steam roller?

He was soda pressed.

Why did the soda can quit its job at the vending machine?

It was soda pressing.

Why'd the factory worker hate their job?

Because it was soda pressing.

Why was the Pepsi crying while lifting weights?

Because he was soda-pressing

Why does pushing my finger against a bottle of Pepsi make me sad?

Because it's soda pressing.

How do you know when there's a elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose is pressed against the ceiling.

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Soda Jokes More Soda Jokes

Why didn't the weightlifter like doing chest exercises with Coke cans?

Because it was soda pressing.

What kind of soda do dogs drink?

Barq's Root Beer.

Statement Jokes More Statement Jokes

What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement?

What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.

Why can't acids argue well?

All their statements are baseless.

Decline Jokes More Decline Jokes

What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work?

Suture self!

What happened when Santa cut his beard?

The police came and took statements but ultimately Mrs. Claus declined to press charges. OC

Monastery Jokes More Monastery Jokes

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a monastery?

Nun.

What do you call the act of press-ganging someone into a monastery?

Force of habit.

France Jokes More France Jokes

Where was France's military strategy developed?

Toulouse

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with Cheese.

Chinese Man Jokes More Chinese Man Jokes

How do you know if a Chinese man has robbed your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours later, he's still trying to back out of your driveway.

What did the Chinese man say when Winter came around?

Reddit snow, reddit snow, reddit snow!

Quit Jokes More Quit Jokes

What do you call a guy that used to fight in the ring, but quit it all for video games?

An ex-boxer.

What does an existentialist bully say?

Quit being yourself, quit being yourself!"

Hate Jokes More Hate Jokes

What kind of music do balloons hate the most?

Pop music.

Why did the bacteriologist quit her job?

She hated being microbe-managed.