Today Jokes

What are you gonna do today?

Me: Shower. W: ...what else M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

What did Daniel Boone say to Davey Crocket when thousands of Mexicans charged at them at the Alamo?

Davey.... are we pouring concrete today "

How would you like your school girls today, Mr. Holmes?

Elementary, my dear Watson.

What would Elvis Presley be doing if he were alive today?

Scratching at the inside of his coffin.

How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

BART: I don't know where my hair starts

What do you call a shoe with no grip?

A slipper. (Made this up today, but almost definitely will have been made up before by someone else)

Why is the Math Book so sad?

It has so many problems! -Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.

Why are you not laughing?

Cos I'm quitting today."

What do you call electricity still flowing today?

Current.

How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?

Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one Me : Today's.

What is the recipe for honeymoon salad?

Lettuce alone, without dressing. I remembered this today from a joke book I had when I was a kid. Wasn't sure if it should be here or /r/dadjokes

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait Boss: Today!

What should I tell him?

Doc says, "Tell him I can't see him today."

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Share Jokes More Share Jokes

What do WNBA players make?

Sandwiches. Friend told me this today and had to share

What did the fish say when it crashed into a wall?

Damn! (This is my go-to joke that someone told me in highschool like 7 years ago. Felt like sharing it.)

P Jokes More P Jokes

What's the difference between LSD and LDS (Latter Day Saints)?

one you take with a sugar cube, the other with a grain of salt :P

What starts with "p," ends with "s," and is really long?

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

What's the difference between Rihanna and Britney Spears?

Britney asked to be hit one more time..

How can you ask a Mexican if their zodiac sign is leo?

Julio

Work Jokes More Work Jokes

Why don't auto repair shops fix golf carts?

Because they work with parts for cars, not carts for pars.

What does BMW stand for?

Black man working

Leave Jokes More Leave Jokes

Why does Beyonce say "To the left, to the left"?

Because black people have no rights.

What do a chick and KFC have in common?

Once you're done enjoying the legs, thighs and breasts your left with a greasy box to stick your bone in.

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

Who came in first?

The over easy egg because it was really runny. How about second The over medium egg because it was only a little runny. And last That would be the baked egg.

What did the Chinese man say when Winter came around?

Reddit snow, reddit snow, reddit snow!

Right Jokes More Right Jokes

Why could the drunk man only move left?

The officer hadn't read him his rights.

What does it mean when a pedestrian has the right of way?

When you see a pedestrian, youve got to get them, right away

End Jokes More End Jokes

What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter?

envelope

What is the difference between cats and commas?

This might be better suited for but I think its more a joke Cats have claws at the ends of it's paws commas haves pauses at the ends of its clause.