Chuck Norris Jokes

How does Chuck Norris go fishing?

You, you and you. Get out."

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Who would win in a fight between John Cena and Chuck Norris?

Depends on who wrote the script.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them.

Why did God bless Texas?

He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.

How did Chuck Norris solve the dwindling oil reserves problem?

Ctrl - C, Ctrl - V

Why is Chuck Norris still alive?

Credit: Saw the comment in this 1:55

How do you stop an F4 tornado from destroying a town?

A roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris! However, this method will cause more destruction than the tornado.

What is Chuck Norris' only weakness?

Cancer

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, no light bulb dare go out in the presence of Chuck Norris.

What were the Virgin Islands called, after Chuck Norris visited them?

The Islands

How can you tell if Chuck Norris ate rabbits the night before?

He has claw marks on his forehead.

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What is your secret weapon against terrorists?

We simply reply......Chuck Norris

How much wood can Chuck Norris if Chuck Norris could chuck wood?

Chuck Norris would just stare at the wood, and it would chuck itself out of fear.

Why does Mona Lisa smiling?

The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

How much Norris?

Tongue twister) How much Norris could Chuck Norris chuck, if Chuck Norris could chuck Norris

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Just one. From Chuck Norris.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

All of it.

How much wood... ...could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris?

All of it.*

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

My Favorite, When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Who has more testicles?

contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Why do all Pirates wear eye patches?

Chuck Norris.

What is Chuck Norris' "best karate move"?

Pork Chop!

What is the irrational fear of Chuck Norris otherwise known as?

A completely rational fear.

Why are there no Chuck Norris knock-knock jokes?

Because Chuck only has to hit the door ONCE.

What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in?

A roundhouse.

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What did Matthew McConaughey yell at the drive that was about to miss his turn?

A right a right a right!

What do armed forces at sea feel when depressed?

The Navy blues What part of the Mac's desktop would seafarers miss when at sea for a loooong time The Dock

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What did the blue denims say to the black denims?

I guess we have different genes! *knee slap* ... I'll see myself to the door

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

He wanted to win the No Bell Prize.

John Cena Jokes More John Cena Jokes

Who would win in a fight between John Cena and Chuck Norris?

Depends on who wrote the script.

What did little John Cena say to his primary school teacher when she gave him his report card?

You can't C me!

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How do the Chinese select their baby names?

They chuck a tin can down the stairs Ping Wong ching Pang

How many nuns can a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

Nun.

Script Jokes More Script Jokes

Who would win in a fight between John Cena and Chuck Norris?

Depends on who wrote the script.

Whatcha got, reddit?

I am not funny and I need to be. I am writing a script for a short show that's formatted like "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live. So that means one sentence about the topic, and then one liner joke. Thank you all!

Depend Jokes More Depend Jokes

What do old people smell like?

Depends

What does an old woman's qwiffy taste life?

Depends .

Comment Jokes More Comment Jokes

Why didn't the skelton cross the road?

Answer in comments so you can fully appreciate the joke)

What I reply with when someone asks, "What'd the comment say?

Removed

Tongue Twister Jokes More Tongue Twister Jokes

What's a tongue twister?

When your tang gets all tongueled up.

How much Norris?

Tongue twister) How much Norris could Chuck Norris chuck, if Chuck Norris could chuck Norris