Retire Jokes

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire?

Because they can only semi retire.

What Do You Call Bob The Builder When He Retires?

Bob.

Where did the engine go after he retired?

To live in a motor home

What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

They both plat no more.

Why did the Computer Engineer retire young?

He had a lot of cache.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

I can't take it anymore!"

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?

Pat

What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

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How do magicians retire?

They seem to just disappear.

Why did the tire pop?

Because it retired.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

What do you call a fly when it retires?

A flew. BUH DUM TSS! No Alright.. I'll see myself out.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?

Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired?

He became an ex-terminator!

What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?

1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired

What's the fastest branch of the military?

The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.

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Dad Jokes More Dad Jokes

How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure yells up to me son, you live with this guy now!

Who is the coolest guy in a hospital. The ultra sound guy. Whos the coolest when he is off?

The hip replacement guy. /dad

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

What N-word do you never want to call a black man?

Neighbor!

What are some easy pranks I can set up in his cubicle?

I don't want to go TOO over the top, and I definitely don't want to actually damage anything. But he has a pretty good sense of humor.

Truck Jokes More Truck Jokes

What do you call it when you have enough money to but a truck from 4 different people who used to cross small bodies of water?

You can afford four fjord forders' fords.

What do you call a self help book for a Country Music singer?

Drink, Pray, Truck

Retirement Jokes More Retirement Jokes

How did the dungeon keeper plan for retirement?

Collecting stocks and bonds.

What do mathematicians call retirement?

Aftermath

End Jokes More End Jokes

What do tornadoes and redneck divorces have in common?

Either way, someone is going to end up losing a trailer.

Why do gas prices end with 9/10 of a penny?

It just makes cents.

Mathematician Jokes More Mathematician Jokes

What do mathematicians and dancers have in common?

What do mathematicians and dancers have in common? They both have algorhythm.

What do gamers who switch consoles and mathematicians have in common?

They both have problems finding x.

Plastic Jokes More Plastic Jokes

What do you call the piece of plastic behind the windshield in an Iraqi car?

A Daeshboard

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a newspaper bag?

One is made of plastic and poses a suffocation hazard to small children. The other one contains newspapers.

Silk Jokes More Silk Jokes

Whatever happened to silk underwear?

A: Fell through the cracks.

Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic?

Because everything that stays there just ends up dying.