Retire Jokes

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

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What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Why can't truck drivers ever fully retire?

Because they can only semi retire.

What Do You Call Bob The Builder When He Retires?

Bob.

Where did the engine go after he retired?

To live in a motor home

What does a retired hairdresser and a bar of platinum have in common?

They both plat no more.

Why did the Computer Engineer retire young?

He had a lot of cache.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

I can't take it anymore!"

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?

Pat

What's the difference between an orphan home and a terrorists' boot camp?

I don't know. I'm retiring next month.

What was Bob the Builder called after he retired?

Bob.

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How do magicians retire?

They seem to just disappear.

Why did the tire pop?

Because it retired.

What are you going to do with your time, now that you're retired?

I'm going to finish my book." "I didn't know you were writing a book." "I'm not, I'm reading one."

What do you call people so good at their jobs, they retire because they did everything?

The mythbusters and ghostbusters.

What do you call a fly when it retires?

A flew. BUH DUM TSS! No Alright.. I'll see myself out.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

What Job will Mr Miyagi take on when he retires from Martial Arts?

Plastic Surgeon. Japanese accent "Rax on, Rax off"

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger do after he retired?

He became an ex-terminator!

What do you call a cop who doesn't shoot innocent black people?

1. Acquitted 2. Fired, retired or expired

What's the fastest branch of the military?

The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.

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Save Jokes More Save Jokes

How do french thank who save their files?

Merci backup.

What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?

Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

Plant Jokes More Plant Jokes

What's the difference between plants and black men?

Cells are found inside plants.

How could that have happened ?

I can't understand it either because I planted cabbage !

Thanksgive Jokes More Thanksgive Jokes

What did the hoodrats have for thanksgiving dinner?

Twerkey

What's the best part of having Miley Cyrus over for thanksgiving dinner?

Unlimited twerky

Aftermath Jokes More Aftermath Jokes

What does a mathematician deal with when finished their work?

The aftermath

When does Eminem leave school?

Aftermath

Retirement Jokes More Retirement Jokes

How do Jedi plan for retirement?

With a Hoth IRA. I'll see myself out.

What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement?

A 401(K-9).

Source Jokes More Source Jokes

Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it's two gross! (A gross is a measurement unit for "144". So 2 * 144 = 288. Or "two gross".)

How can you tell someone is an engineer?

They'll tell you! (Source: am an engineer)

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

Which whiskey should you buy if you want to dance all night?

Wild Twerky!

Why didn't the mathematician want to go to the beach?

He didn't want people to see his tan lines.

Bar Jokes More Bar Jokes

Where did AT&ampT get their 2007 slogan?

Ireland: More bars in more places

What is the most offensive joke you know?

I'm bored tonight and I have a no holds barred sense of humour. What are some of your worst