Receive Jokes

Why did the kids not receive presents for Christmas?

Because Rudolph intentionally grounded the team...

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

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What is the best way to receive downvotes on reddit?

Wohahaha! That was funny! XD

What's the best way to receive down votes on reddit?

Wohahaha! That was funny! XD

Where do shoes receive their military training?

Boot Camp

Why do health magazines targeting hypochondriacs have so much trouble maintaining subscriber levels?

Because none of their readers believe them when they receive a warning that it's their final issue.

What prize did the dead body receive?

Atrophy

What do poor countries already have but also receive?

AID...S

Why did the scarecrow receive a prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a Doctor who received all 'D's in Medical School?

Doctor

What did the astronaut get on his science project?

He received a T minus.

Why did the sun-praiser receive the full inheritance from his grandmother?

Because he was the Solaire!

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

What workplace benefit do ebola quarantine nurses receive?

Hazardous doodie pay!

Why did the agnostic receive a lighter sentence?

He had no prior convictions.

What do all 'Tickle Me Elmo' toys receive before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

How does god receive prayers?

knee-mail

Why did Dr.Pepper blush?

He received a Sunkist from his Crush

What did the late arriving cannibal receive at the dinner party?

The cold shoulder.

What did Orion receive when he won second place in the archery contest?

The constellation prize.

Why did the movie critic give the movie he received on a burned disc a 3.14/5?

Because it was pi-rated.

What's the highest form of praise you can receive from a pimp?

A: A back-handed compliment.

Whats the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?

Two test tickles.

Why didn't the bear from the revenant win the Oscar?

Because it would've torn Leo up to receive another Oscar loss

Why did the scarecrow receive an award?

because he was out standing in his field.

Where did you receive your education?

Me: Yale Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate Me: I yust got out in Yuly

What is courage?

He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

What did the asian do after receiving a test with a bad grade?

Bangladesh

What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

Forty feet of track - all straight!

What does every Tickle Me Elmo receive before it leaves the factory?

Two testicles.

What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?

Well, I don't know" she answers shyly. "OK, that I give you another year to think about it..."

How do gangsters receive communications?

Gmail

What did the 11 year old junior paleontologist and 50-cent music lover with cancer receive from the one wish foundation?

A Rap Tour

What does a Greek say when he receives his salary?

Danke schon.

What advice does Jay Leno receive when sad?

Chin up pal.

What's the best campsite in the world?

Auschwitz, received well over three million starts

What should a redditor receive after a terrible joke?

Karma. (Please forgive me)

What was Monica Lewinsky's job at the White House?

Receiving heads of state.

What did the Hebrew's call it when they stopped receiving mana every morning?

mana-pause

What's worse?

Receiving a text from your girlfriend saying that you're breaking up or receiving a second text after saying that it was supposed to be for someone else

Why was the dyslexic rabbit disappointed when he received the solid gold bar he had ordered via the internet?

He thought the ad said '24 carrots'

What did the Ukrainian Scientist receive after discovering the dangers of radiation?

A Chernobel Prize.

What does every Elmo receive before they leave the factory?

Two test tickles!

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I'll never part with it!

Why did the scarecrow receive a Nobel Prize?

He was outstanding in his field.

Why did Alexander Graham Bell never receive a nobel prize?

Because it's a "no bell" prize.

What kind of award did the dentist receive?

A little plaque.

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Maintain Jokes More Maintain Jokes

What's your strongest trait?

My fingers. "No, like... Are you pinching me " GIVE ME fighting to maintain pinch THE JOB

Why do health magazines targeting hypochondriacs have so much trouble maintaining subscriber levels?

Because none of their readers believe them when they receive a warning that it's their final issue.

Prize Jokes More Prize Jokes

What's the prize for getting the Human Papilloma Virus?

You get an a-wart!

Why was the farmer disappointed when he tried to marry his prized melon?

Because the minister wouldn't marry the two, since a melon can't elope!

Trouble Jokes More Trouble Jokes

What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies. Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

Why were the two Chinese scientists having trouble cloning a caucasian?

Because two Wongs can't make a white.

Hypochondriac Jokes More Hypochondriac Jokes

Why is it so easy to trust a hypochondriac?

Because none of their plans are ill-conceived.

Why don't hypochondriacs... Why don't hypochondriacs use lighters?

They're afraid of catching fire!

Rudolph Jokes More Rudolph Jokes

What did the reindeer wear to protect itself while Santa was watering the garden?

Rudolph's red hose rain gear...

Why did the kids not receive presents for Christmas?

Because Rudolph intentionally grounded the team...

Believe Jokes More Believe Jokes

What do you call an old-school CIA agent who believes his work is none of the public's goddamn business?

A Pte-redact-yl

What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god?

Me: oh, um, science.

Dead Body Jokes More Dead Body Jokes

How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?

I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

What is the best place to hide a dead body?

On the second page of google.

Ground Jokes More Ground Jokes

Why did the kids not receive presents for Christmas?

Because Rudolph intentionally grounded the team...

When do you ground an astronaut?

When they're astronauty.