30 Jokes

How do you get 30 drunk Americans out of the pool?

Allahu Akhbarrrr"

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How do you get 30 drunk Russians out of the pool?

Put 30 crates of vodka near the pool

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?

Please Get Out The Pool"

What do you call someone with no legs?

30 a week poorer.

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

What do Jesus and a nerd have in common?

Both are long-haired, live at their parents' till their 30's, and if they'll do anything, it is considered a miracle.

What if earth rotates 30 times faster?

Interviewer:"If the Earth rotates 30 times faster, what will happen?" engineer:"We will get our salary everyday" :D Think Greedily Act Confidently

How did Helen Keller break her hands?

Reading road signs at 30 MPH

What's the difference between a carpenter and a construction worker?

30 IQ points. This, as any carpenter will tell you, isn't a joke.

How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 because that's peasants work.

When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building which one hits the pavement first?

A: Who cares!

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What does Fetty Wap buy when he goes to Walmart?

7 tees, 30 eggs

Why is the man only left with 30?

Credit to Bo Burnham.

What's a magazine?

asked every guy under 30.

What's the worst part about 30 lawyers in a bus going over a cliff?

The bus could fit 30 more lawyers.

What do you call someone who has to shave 30 times a day?

A barber

What are the similarities between a US handgun and a Feminist?

30 of them are triggered every second

Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 29?

Because 30 is too many!

How do you make 30 senior citizens swear?

Shout "Bingo!" before them

What is the difference between a corrupt cop and a disposable camera?

A disposable camera doesn't have to reload 3 times to take 30 shots.

Who can shave 30 times a day and still have a beard?

A barber.

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.

How old do I look?

9yo: 30 Aww, you deserve ice crea- 9yo: Just like grandma -m but too bad you're not getting any

How many Chiropractors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but they'll take 30 visits to do it.

What if weight loss supplements ads are just made by British people really transparently trying to scam you?

You'll lost 30 for only $42.82! Guaranteed.

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Walk Jokes More Walk Jokes

What goes "oh oh oh"?

Santa walking backwards.

Why do stoners carry lighters everywhere?

Because they don't have legs to walk, man.

Earth Jokes More Earth Jokes

How on earth can you defend a man like Adam Johnson?

it's easy, he's all left foot - just constantly show him down the right side and don't let him cut in.

What did Earth say to the Sun?

My life revolves around you!

Tonight Jokes More Tonight Jokes

What does a lonely Sean Connery building IKEA products say?

I guess its jusht me, myshelf, and I tonight.

How does the Mummy plan to destroy Superman?

He's gonna lure him in to the crypt tonight.

Hear Jokes More Hear Jokes

What's joke #1?

THIS IS NOT A JOKE I'm sure you all have heard the joke where has a number for each joke and that everyone just remembers the numbers instead for typing out the jokes. This always made me think "What would joke #1 be?" What do you think it'd be?

What do you call a Russian wearing a head scarf, a balaclava and a helmet?

Anything you want. He can't hear a thing.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?

The toilet doesn't insist on cuddling after you drop your load in it.

What's the difference between a millennial and a mutual fund?

A mutual fund will eventually mature and make money

Rotate Jokes More Rotate Jokes

Why did the Aggie call 911 in the car wash?

He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a tornado

Why would anyone want to study the Earth and how it rotates?

I guess that some people just want to see the world turn

Interviewer Jokes More Interviewer Jokes

What strengths do you bring to the job?

long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now

How do you hit those high notes?

Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me Adam Levine: Practice.

Max Jokes More Max Jokes

What's worse than 9/11?

311 Credit goes to my friend Max.

How does a blonde call for her dog?

She puts two fingers in her mouth and then shouts "Max!".