Alcoholic Jokes

Why cant Schizophrenics be alcoholics?

because they never drink alone.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic?

Whine.

What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

What do a pirate wench and an alcoholic have in common?

They've both got a little Captain in them.

What do you call an alcoholic with Parkinson's?

Shakespeare (say it out loud)

What did one alcoholic say to the other alcoholic?

I forget

What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking?

A leave of Absinthe.

How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?

Backwards.

What's the worst thing about alcoholics?

They wine too much.

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What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophiliac?

One goes to the bar for a cold one. The other goes to a morgue.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

What do you get when you mix a Native American and an Irishman?

An alcoholic with a drinking problem

What do you call a group of alcoholics with the same name?

Alcoholics synonymous.

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

Where do alcoholics get their breakfast pastries?

Drunken Donuts

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?

Wine

What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?

They both like to crack open a cold one

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

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Today Jokes More Today Jokes

What's up with that horse?

sees a giraffe for the first time Okay, what the hell is going on today

What kinds of vegetables did Ghandi prefer?

Peace and carrots... Thought this up at work today. I'm sure it's been done before but it made me chuckle...

Catholic Jokes More Catholic Jokes

What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist?

A Catholic will say hello when he sees you in the liquor store.

How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland?

By sending in millions of Muslims

Crack Jokes More Crack Jokes

Why did the kids tell jokes to the mirror?

They wanted to see it crack up!

What happened to the egg when it heard the joke?

It cracked.

Hammer Jokes More Hammer Jokes

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

How do you install "blackout curtains"?

They just get hammered.

Note Jokes More Note Jokes

Why don't southern belles go to orgies any more?

Too many thank you notes to write

What do Greek teenagers say?

Omega!! Note: surely it already exists but I thought of it independently and am proud of my terrible joke!

Schizophrenic Jokes More Schizophrenic Jokes

Why cant Schizophrenics be alcoholics?

because they never drink alone.

What do you call a schizophrenic in a white dress?

Your Holiness.

Whine Jokes More Whine Jokes

What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine?

An immigrant.**

How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp?

Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

Record Jokes More Record Jokes

Who is the only man to record more knock outs than Mike Tyson?

Bill Cosby

What is the oldest joke we have on record?

X-post) http://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/2krnv8/whatistheoldestjokewehaveonrecord/