Bible Jokes

What do you call a short priest reaching for his bible that's on the top shelf?

Christina Ricci.

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How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek?

Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

What is Bill and Ted's favorite book of the bible?

Duderonomy! They also like Leviticus.

Why do feminist hate the bible?

Because it ends with A-men

How do you starve a right wing christian?

Hide their money in their bible.

Why did the bible cross the street?

To get to the other genocide.

Why do writers hate the bible?

It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

What was the first mention of soccer in the bible?

When Jesus went up for the cross.

What's the difference between a cow and The Bible?

You can't milk a cow for 2,000 years.

What was the first reference to pole vaulting in the Bible?

When Jesus cleared the temple.

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Why do old people read the bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?" He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

What's the first sign of football in the bible?

Jesus going up for the cross!

What's long and thick and turns conservative women on?

The Bible

What's the difference between a psychotic mental patient and a man with a bible in his hand?

Respiridol

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court

Why is it hard to sell bibles in Germany?

Because it's a Nietzsche Market.

How do you keep an idiot busy for 3500 years?

Give them a bible

Who is the richest person in the Bible?

The Pharao's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.

Why did the macaroni cross the street with a bible?

Because it's a pastor )

Who was the best actor in the bible ?

Samson he brought the house down !

What's the best fantasy book?

A bible

When is the Bible accurate?

When it's thrown from a short distance.

Who were the shortest people in the Bible?

Let's see. There'sKneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height...oh, and Peter, who said, "Silver andgold I have none," and no one could be much shorter than that.

Which part of the Bible won't you find a black man?

The Book of Job.

What Bible verse keeps every student going?

Lunch 11:35.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

How much would you say you read the Bible?

Well, I don't read it religiously." Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.

Where is tennis mentioned in the Bible?

A: Where Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Whats the most unlikely line to read in the bible ?

The characters in this book are entirely fictional.

Where do you find the Bible in a library?

Fiction".

What do you call a burning Bible?

Holy smokes.

Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

What if the Bible had a major typo and the Devil was really after our SOIL?

Maybe he just wants to grow some pot plants.

What is the most successful spinoff ever made?

The Bible

Who was the best financier in the Bible?

Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

How accurate is the Bible?

100% at short range

What do you call a Bible for the blind?

The Holy Braille!

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How much credibility is there in that whole "you can punch yourself handsome" theory?

Asking for a friend.

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He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth

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Why could the drunk man only move left?

The officer hadn't read him his rights.

How does a deaf Gynecologist communicate with his patients?

He reads lips.

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When someone says "It is what it is," I reply, "Isn't it?

so we can both sound useless.

What does TTYL mean?

I replied, "Talk to you later". So she responded, "No! Talk to me now! What does it mean "

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What did Adam say to Eve the first time he got an erection?

Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is gonna get!"

What did the snake day to Adam after he bit the apple?

You owe Eve an O.

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When Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees?

In the Ark-hives.

Why was Noah such a compelling character?

He had a good ark.

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Which Christian denomination knows the most about dinosaurs?

Episcopaleontologists

Who needs whips and chains?

Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

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Why did the firefly keep stealing things ?

What goes "snap crackle and pop" A firefly with a short circuit !

What do you call it when someone steals your footrest?

Grand Theft Ottoman